“He wasn’t vocal about his feelings. Wasn’t romantic. Didn’t see [him] as boyfriend material.

Now I understand that his love language is touch. So he touches me with love. He shows affection through acts of service, so him making me dinner is him being romantic. And he’s definitely boyfriend material.

It took me a bit to shake down. But he’s gotten better with being more emotional and less stoic. I’m happy :)”

“He seemed really clingy at first and mushy, like he was infatuated or something. It freaked me out (might also be helpful to know I was going to therapy for commitment issues).

Then after knowing each other for only 10 days he told me he loved me and I wanted to put the brakes on hard. But my therapist told me to be clear about my concerns and worries with relationships and he adapted 100% to make sure I was more comfortable and let me take my time with expressing my feelings.

He [n]ever pushed me to verbalize them until I was ready and when I said I wasn’t comfortable with calling him my “boyfriend” he talked with me until we figured out something else to call him. (He was my “beau” or my “man” depending on who I was talking to) We’re halfway through our first year of marriage now :)”

“Some of my friends didn’t like him. Turns out it was the friends who weren’t good for me.

We’ve been together 9+ years and none of those friends are still in my life.”

“Getting my mother in law the hell out of our marriage and life. It was a simple as that. My wife was younger than me and really naive. It took a few years for my wife to see what a completely evil and narcissistic bitch that woman is.

Don’t let outside players into your marriage especially family.”

“He is friends with all of his exes.

If not friends, then they at least broke up on good terms, and though they may not talk, they still follow each other on social media. And he always has good things to say about his exes. And he talks about what he learned from them.

I thought this was an issue for obvious reasons. But as I got to know him I realized he’s the kind of person who tries to cut out as much negativity from his life as possible. He grew up in an abusive home and was passed around from one stepfamily to the next. He witnessed his mother and father go through nasty divorces and breakups. I realized he just doesn’t want anything of that sort in his life.

He believes in being kind to people who have hurt him.”

“He didn’t know how to be an adult. Red flag because he still lived at home and his mommy did everything for him. I just assumed he would want the same out of a partner.

Turns out his mom was overprotective and overbearing and wouldn’t let him do anything himself. He hated the whole situation and was (and still is) upset that she didn’t teach him (or let him learn) any of the basic things you need to know to be an adult.

He’s been learning ever since and is a fully functioning adult now. Although every now and again we find something shockingly simple that he didn’t know how to do. Last week I discovered that he doesn’t know how to loosen/tighten the laces on shoes. Like if the shoe is too tight, he doesn’t know how to loosen the laces the whole way down and then tighten them back up again to get the right fit.”

“We were young and already started a family. We tried to be the perfect family and forgot to be ourselves. We didn’t love each other and tried to find love and fulfillment somewhere else.

When the shit hit the fan he was ready to call it quits but I begged for another chance. He agreed, at the time he had to move away for two years for college.

If he didn’t move away our marriage would have ended. We needed that space to find ourselves again and appreciate each other and our family

It’s been four years since the reboot and we’re still kicking it.”

“We had been growing apart, both working a lot trying to save to buy a house. We never saw each other and stopped pursuing our shared interests. I think we both felt neglected and unfulfilled. It got so bad we went away together after I got home from a long work trip and I told him I was done. He talked me into giving it another shot, we agreed to stop working as much bc we had enough saved to start looking at houses.

Well within a week we found our dream fixer-upper. Then about a month after that weekend away we found out I was pregnant. With the baby on the way and a house to get ready we banded together as a team and were reminded why we worked so well together.

Then, childbirth got complicated. I almost didn’t make it. I spent the next year recovering from injuries from it caused. He was so perfect taking care of me and the baby. Again we banded together. I fighting for my health, him fighting for us.”

“I would try to avoid conflict by withdrawing. If she wasn’t yelling at me, then everything must be fine, right?

After she said she wanted to end the marriage, I focused on making myself a better/happier person, not for her but for me. That, and a willingness to really talk about our problems (something I always tried to avoid), did the trick.”

“He’s a mama’s boy. It use to really bother me, and would make me feel like she could easily get between us.

Now that we’re married, I love his mom to death. She’s our biggest supporter and is literally always there for us. He use to put her first, and now he puts me first. It definitely makes him a more sensitive person, growing up a mamas boy. That red flag burned a while ago!”

“My boyfriend is very involved in his church. I grew up/am somewhat religious as well (I went through confirmation in the Catholic Church and was semi-active in a youth group), but I’m very progressive and was worried that, because my boyfriend is Baptist, he would be socially conservative. It turns out I was super wrong! He’s very liberal and progressive and extremely non-pushy about religion. He has actually never once brought up religion or God unless someone specifically asks him about it. More than that, he volunteers to help children at his church every weekend and is very kind and good with them.

I also like that he has an appreciation for spirituality, since I’m a spiritual person as well (we both are scientists too- breaking stereotypes!). What I was worried about actually turned out to be a strength of his, and is just an extension of his gentle and caring personality.”

“He didn’t drive. There is no public transportation where I live, so everyone over the age of 16 drives here. Usually people without a license don’t have one because it’s been taken from them for DUIs or other legal issues. Not him. He just… didn’t want to drive. He had never gotten his license (was in his early 30’s when we met).

I was hesitant at first, because I didn’t want to commit to a lifetime of driving someone to work and back (and to everywhere else), but it was really his only “flaw,” so I decided to move past it.

A few years into our relationship, we got pregnant. When I told him, the first thing he said was, “I guess it’s time for me to get over my driving issues, huh?” He learned how to drive, got his license, and bought his own car.

We’ve been together for years now, and I’m so happy we are.”

“He hadn’t dated anyone in 8 years (since high school) so I figured that was a red flag or he had a lot of self esteem issues or something.

Also he drank alcohol every day and I was very open and honest I didn’t want to date someone who drank.

Turns out he’s super shy when talking to girls and never pursued anyone. He stopped drinking once we started dating because he didn’t feel the urge to anymore and knew it was important to me. (He’ll have a beer or two occasionally for special events but not the nightly drinking scotch thing.)”

“We were together for about two years right out of high school. I was his first ‘real’ girlfriend and he had been talking marriage since our first date. After two years he was a little freaked out and wanted to figure out who he was. I was hurt but I didn’t totally blame him. He was only 18 (I was 19).

During the year and half that we weren’t together we both dated a little, but we really spent all of our time together. We got back together and 6 months later we got married.

We have 3 kids and have been married for 11 years now. He is my best friend and even though the road to get here was rough, it has absolutely been worth it.”

“We are both gamers, and he’s way better than I am. He was introduced to me by his name and competitive rank by friends that seemed to half seriously worship him, and the first time I played with him he was teasing one of the other gamers pretty brutally so I thought he was exactly that self righteous ‘better than you’ type of a jerk. You know, that type that thinks they are the best ever and that plays with lower level players to show off. Turns out that was just his thing with that friend, and he is actually the kindest person ever, and had separate account to play with lower level friends bc he wanted to spend time with them.

He also told me he loved me really quick (and before we ever met irl, we lived in different countries), but to be fair I answered alike after panicking for a while.

Gonna marry him next month, so yeah, not bad.”

“He had so many crazy and different accomplishments that I slightly worried he was a compulsive liar. Broke records in his sport, skipped two grades, a champion at a different sport, got into all the ivy league schools he applied for, dropped out of the one he went to at 18 and then became a professional at a third sport he picked up in college, and some other really crazy stories in his twenties.

He just really is that accomplished. It’s like his parents told him he could do whatever he wanted and he never had a reason to think differently.

I actually almost hired a private detective when we first got together.”

“Less than 24 hours after we met, he told me I was going to be his wife. I thought, “Oh, sh!t, this guy is nuts!”

We have been happily married 32 years (so far). It has gone sooo much faster than I ever thought it could!

Cherish every day and never take life for granted.”

“We met when we were 17, we were best friends and saw each other through everything good and bad for 6 years. We decided to break up in February since our careers were going to take us on different paths to different places. I wanted to follow him, but he didn’t want me to give up my dreams. I didn’t wanted him to give up his dream either so we walked away from each other, agreeing to never see each other again. We knew we would have fallen in love again if we saw each other again.

3 months later, my father ends up in the hospital, braindead. I was in the hospital watching my dad days before I had to pull the plug. My significant other apparently heard the news and flew down states away to see me and take care of me and my dad. We have been together since then.

I don’t know what happens now, but I’m happy just to come home and knowing he’s happy to see me. I know it’s been a bit long, but thanks for listening, fam. 😊”

“She didn’t like the way my roommates treated me. I had lived with these people for about 8 years, and they could be fairly toxic. So she broke up with me.

Like most others in this thread, I was still in love with her and we ended up getting back together, then shortly after that we moved in together.

We are still together, our 3rd wedding anniversary is next month.”

“His communication skills were nonexistent. He’d have problems with something I did or said but wouldn’t communicate it until he blew up about it and it was the most frustrating problematic thing.

We’ve worked to have him communicate more and he actually does now and we’ve been very happily together for over 3 years now :)”

“He clearly didn’t get along well with his family, wasn’t very helpful to them and was often very short with them when they talked. At first I thought he might be ungrateful or selfish and I was concerned because they seemed really nice. Plus if that’s how you treat your family, how are you going to treat me?

But he was really, really kind and nice to me so I didn’t put too much weight on that. Good thing I didn’t. His family isn’t that nice. They’re actually very toxic, manipulative and emotionally abusive. A lot of what he does is just his way of coping with their bullshit. I wish things were better between them all but sadly you can’t pick your family and you can’t make people not be assholes.”

“Couldn’t stop thinking about him. I’d have dreams about him, I’d find myself wondering what he was doing, and anytime something cool happened I automatically thought about sharing it with him. Even when we hadn’t talked for months.

Timeline was we had dated for a year, broke up, dated other people for about a year, then happened to move to the same neighborhood. Passed him on the street and we got coffee. Eventually we started hanging out as friends. Then his girlfriend dumped him. We hung out more, just stuff like watching movies. We watched the first two seasons of Deadwood together, I remember. Lot of sexy scenes in the first season lol. One night he fell asleep on my couch and I just wanted him to stay so bad.

A week later I dumped the guy I had been dating, and the very next night, he came over to watch some zombie movie with me. After the movie he went out with a friend and they had a car accident. Nobody was hurt but he was so shaken up, he came back to my apartment and asked if I wanted to get back together. And of course I did, I was obsessed with the guy.

That was 10 years old ago, and we’re happily married now.”

“She called because she was having surgery and wanted to clear the air. In case she did not make it.

I drove 600 miles to see her and hold her hand. She was okay and recovered fine.

We were married a year later. Still married 35 years now.”

“Dumped me the day before I went away for a week. No cell service. No internet. No way to communicate. Had time to think things over and figure out what I wanted. I knew as soon as I hit cell service I was gonna get a bunch of texts begging me to take her back and apologizing for dumping me. Had already made the decision to take her back.

Next month will be our 8 year wedding anniversary.”

“I thought he was the rudest person I had ever met. Truly. Least sensitive person I had ever met. Once I got to know him I realized he was the most sensitive person with all the defenses up because of all the emotions he feels.

I see the sweetest side to him now that he’s opened up and is more comfortable being vulnerable. I wish he was like that with everyone in his life though, but baby steps.

We’ve been together for 11 years.”

“Long story short: I had a shitty upbringing which lead to me being a shitty young adult with no idea about how to be a good partner. For years I never lived up to being even 10% of the wife my husband deserved. After a really bad fight one weekend about 6 years in, he was done.

My devastation was all encompassing. I laid in bed for 2 days straight sobbing and wanting to die. He decided that he wanted to continue trying, and when he told me, I fell to my knees sobbing. I don’t deserve him, but I am fighting every day to be the best wife I can be.

Things have been better in the 1.5 years since. I have sought treatment for my depression and started getting serious about taking responsibility for the things I have done wrong in our marriage, and I plan fun and interesting dates for us at least a few times a month. We have worked on the friendship side of our relationship, and that has been game changing.

So overall I am optimistic but I still carry a lot of guilt for not treating him the way he deserved for so long.”

“I was stupid. I felt like we had been drifting apart after 6 years of being together so I was the one who put everything a halt. He wanted me back but I blocked him from everything and I had a lot of stuff going on in my life anyways. I upset him by kissing another guy but that never lead to anything.

After a couple months of getting my shit together I really missed him. I texted him one evening asking if we could meet up and have a chat. He literally dropped everything and came over.

We started seeing each other again but completely refreshed everything and held off even sleeping together for a while. Didn’t wanna get back with someone and jump straight back into bed with him. He was very apprehensive and was scared I would hurt him.

1 year later and we are in the best place we have ever been. Going on holidays together and living our best lives. We learnt so much from that time apart. We’re so much mature now and I love him.”

“Communication had collapsed. She felt I had been cruel, while I felt like she had put no effort toward the relationship in the prior year.

We’re trying to make better compromises. Every month she and I take turns picking movies we normally can’t watch together (she hates horror, and I can’t stand her documentaries). She’s going to start pointing out when I sound condescending so I can start correcting the behavior. We’re going to start doing different kinds of dates.”

Hopefully, these steps will let us start over with something better.”

“We were too immature to handle a serious relationship, so we broke up for almost a year. We still talked and hung out during that time, and when my brother got married, I invited my ex.

I happened to fall and break my ankle just before the wedding, so my ex took me to the hospital (everyone else had to stay and attend the wedding). My ex stayed with me that entire time, and crashed at my parents’ house that night to make sure I was okay.

We spent the entire night talking, and by morning we were back together. We were 19 at the time. We got married at 21 and have 2 kids. We’re 33 now.

I’m stuck with him now, which is fine because he’s my favorite person in the world.”

“I stuck with my husband through counseling.

I almost gave up because family pressure and me just being annoyed with stuff. Finally I decided with our kids, my love, and his willingness to improve I would give him a chance.

I couldn’t be happier with my decision.”

“Giving it space. We were in such a bad spot at the time, if we stayed with each other and forced it, we would have kept being resentful to each other and miserable and angry. Give the person a chance to miss you instead of wanting to be away from you.

We broke up and got back together after a few months. It was good cause we weren’t angry anymore and could talk rationally. We had a long talk about why things went wrong before and what we would do differently this time.”

“Husband enlisted 2 weeks before I met him. We met and it was instant chemistry. We hit the ground running and things were going fantastic for 3 months. Then he started ghosting me. For probably 2-3 weeks we would make plans and he wouldn’t show up or he would suddenly have something more important to do. I was sick of it and so I told him I was done; he either needed to step up or step out. So we broke up. Not a peep from me to him.

A week later, he messaged me and said he had to talk to me. I wasn’t thrilled but I told him he could stop by later after work. Basically he went on a hike and got super dehydrated and I was the only thing that kept him going. He realized at the top of the mountain that he wanted to be with me. But the reason he was ghosting me is because he had 3 months before basic training and he didn’t think I could do it. We’ve been married 5 years this year.”

“We dated for a few months but I broke up with him because we were bickering too much and weren’t enjoying the relationship anymore. We were in our late teens at the time. Never intended to ever get back together, although the break up was very amicable.

Even though we lived a few minutes’ walk away from each other, we did not bump into each other once in 3 years.

Then one day I was driving home and saw him walking home. I almost passed him but decided to offer a lift. Once we got to his place, we stayed in the car for about 2 hours just talking and catching up.

We decided to go for a cup of coffee and have now been together 6 years. We like to joke that it was ‘Right person, wrong timing’ when we first dated.”

“We had been dating when we were teenagers (around 20 years ago), and during the few months we were together, we had a fun, if not tumultuous relationship. Definitely felt like we were in love at the time, and I never really forgot about her. We split up and went our separate ways, and then about 6 years later we ended up finding each other again online. Chatted for a few weeks on AOL messenger, and I suggested we meet up for coffee. Part of me was interested to see if that spark was still there, now we had grown up a little and experienced more of life apart from each other.

Been together ever since – married for around 10 years, and have two kids together. It’s always fun to reminisce about the time we were together 20 years ago.”

“We were split for a little less than 2 months. We had ended on a REALLY bad fight and we were both extremely emotionally charged and then he refused to talk to me about it, but as it were, there was a situation where we had to be in the same place at the same time for something so we started talking again.

Finally got each other’s reasons for the feelings and then took it VERY slowly for several months.

At the time of the split we were together for 6 years so it was kind of hard to just end all of that without closure, but in trying to get closure, it became more of a “mistakes were made on both sides, didn’t realize the other person felt that way, if we had, then this wouldn’t have occurred” kind of thing.

So, it seemed like something where, if we were just conscious of it it could work out. And so far it has, because it’s been 5 years since that.”

“Met this awesome girl on AOL playing a game called Slingo when I was in the military, we talked a bunch, we really hit it off but I was in “A” school and stuck close to base and she was 12 hours away. Eventually after months of talking I got stationed across the country and we lost contact, only talked maybe twice the next few years.

One day after I had gotten out and moved back home for some strange reason my computer logged into AIM, a program I hadn’t used for ages but lo and behold her name was on my friend list and she was logged in. I messaged her and a few weeks later I was on my way to visit her for the first time ever in person. She also shared with me that she never used AIM either but for some reason she logged on at the same time.

We now have 2 kids and married 7 years, she is still the awesome, gorgeous woman I talked to those 15 years ago.”

“4 years together, 3 years apart and engaged to other people.

The engagements didn’t work out for both of us and one Valentine’s day I decided to call her. As soon as she heard my voice she said thank God, let’s go out I’m not spending this day alone.

24 years and 2 children later we are extremely happy and in love.”

“We broke up because we felt like we were slowing each other down, and were starting to lose who we were, in a sense. We spent every day together doing the same thing.

When we broke up, I read more, went out and made new friends, did new things, drove down to the beach every day on my way home, bought myself new clothes and new shoes, stayed home and cooked new foods.

When we got back together things were so much different. We were able to get out of the routine we had gotten in that made us resent each other to a degree. We had different things to talk about, different things to do in our day that didn’t require us being together so much. And in doing so, we made other little changes along the way like doing things the other didn’t want to do.

Sometimes all you need is a little time apart, but it’s different for everyone and the things you do depends on the issues you were having.”

“My husband and I separated for 7 months after he found me speaking to another man online (I’m not proud of it).

It took a lot of trust and communication, but we’re together and stronger than before.

He’s nursing me through cancer right now and not a day goes by that I don’t regret what I did-so I spend as much time as I can letting him know how loved and appreciated he is.”

“My husband and I dated for a year and a half, broke up for 2 years, and then got back together and got married. December 1st will be our 22nd anniversary.

We didn’t keep in contact too much over the 2 years apart, but during the last year we started talking again. We’d both had a relationship during the breakup & realized that we were happier with each other & no one else was quite right.

It worked out great! We’re best friends who work together a lot. We not only love each other- we actually LIKE each other & enjoy each other’s company.

Not saying this can happen for everyone, but it worked out for us.”

“We had dated long distance while I was in undergrad, he had graduated and was starting a career. I left school to “find myself” by thru hiking the Appalachian Trail. The physical distance and the lack of cell reception in the mountains for months took its toll. He came to visit while I was hiking and my heart was not in it, I was focused on myself.

We broke up on the side of a mountain. He’s a faster hiker and had to get back to his car to go to work, so he took off without me.

We didn’t talk for three years. I moved farther away. We saw each other once and it was super awkward.

Then we ended up hanging out at a bar when we were both home for the holidays, with some mutual friends. I had just ended a relationship and he was currently in one. A few weeks later he told me that he still had feelings for me, and he had ended his relationship…

6 months later I moved 700 miles to be closer to him. Another year later we bought a house. Then 6 chickens. Then a dog. We’re getting married in June :-)”

“My wife and I got married fairly quickly. We both didn’t have a great upbringing. We didn’t really have an idea of what a healthy relationship should look like. Both of us had abusive relationships in the past.

I was unable to effectively communicate my feelings to her. She always thought that she needed to prepare for the worst. So when we would have an argument, I would shut down. She would reach out to ex-boyfriends looking for reassurance. I found out about her talking to other men several times. The last time I had had enough. I told her I wanted a divorce. She asked me to go to counseling with her.

The first session was a train wreck. I almost left her that night and she thought we weren’t going to make it. After a few sessions and some very hard conversations we learned to communicate. I learned to open up. She learned that her behavior was destructive. It definitely wasn’t easy to overcome and I would say it’s a miracle that we’re still together. I’m so very glad that we worked it out.”

“I broke up with my boyfriend after about 3 months because I was still dealing with some issues from my last relationship and didn’t feel like it was fair to him. He was pretty upset but kind about it.

I took the time I needed and luckily he was still single and willing to give things another shot after a few more months.

We’ve been married 7 years and are expecting our third child.”

“I’m Asian American so I’m leery of potential Asianphiles. One man had huge red flags. In addition to practicing Japanese martial arts, he suggested meeting in Japantown as our first date. I was leery but he asked during the month when I was saying yes to everyone who asked (barring some dealbreakers). I said yes to him and I’m so glad I did.

When we met, he had none of the Asianphile red flags: wasn’t showing off knowledge of whatever Asian culture they are obsessed with, didn’t ask me what my name meant, didn’t try to speak a foreign language, didn’t bring up his travels in Asian countries, didn’t talk about anime, didn’t ask me why Asian women etc. He was quiet, smart, thoughtful, a polyglot. I loved how his mind worked. He was the sweetest and best boyfriend I ever had. Even though we’re exes now (our relationship had run its course), I still think fondly of him.

A year into our relationship I asked him why he had picked Japantown for our first date. In his quiet, thoughtful way he said, ‘It was the midpoint between where we live.'”

“We broke up after about 3 years together, we were both young and hot headed.

4 years later we ran into each other at a company function (we worked in separate offices). Started talking and found out that we both got engaged and the engagements were broken off.

We started laughing when we realized it happened almost around the exact same time for each of us. I said we need to go and get some drinks and celebrate our freedom and we did.

Spent the night eating and drinking, decided to go out on a date that Friday, had a great time. We both realized that we were different people from 4 years prior, more mature, different priorities that actually matched up.

Been married for 23 years now, adult children, and we are both so glad we gave things a second chance (or chance gave us a second chance).”

“I had married this woman when I was really young. We had 3 kids together and, we traveled most of the USA together due to the military. Fast forward 7 yrs later and I was getting out of the NAVY. Now due to differences in opinions and my own insecurities along with hers we just weren’t compatible anymore. We always argued and we had deeper issues. So, after 7 and a half years we divorced and it the whole process took like a year roughly.

She started seeing other people and so did I. I can’t lie, I still missed her and even though she and I both were seeing other people I still thought about her…

Fast forward 2 years after the divorce we started slowly hanging out from time to time mainly because of the kids. I never tried any advances towards her I always kept it cordial as can be. One day out of the blue I get an email from her stating that she misses me like crazy and she misses the way we used to be together emotionally, physically, and most of all as a family.

We started hanging out even more and eventually our significant others disappeared…

It was funny as well when I went with her to the courts to take myself off of child support. The judge read the docket out loud and said Are you sure you want to stop child support? My wife said yes, and the judge said “Why?” we both responded we “Are married again”. He was like wow that’s the best news I’ve heard all day in this court. Congratulations and good luck to us is what he said as we exited the courtroom.

We have been married the 2nd time now for 5yrs and some change.”

“He didn’t want people to know we were together for the first six months or so.

At first I was incredibly offended. But I stayed because I was very young and he was the first boy I ever dated.

Turns out he is just a very private person. We have been together ever since (10 years or so, since we were 16). I love that he is reserved and doesn’t like sharing personal parts of himself with every person. I love that I’ve gained his trust to be one of the few people he does share that part of himself with now. I love that he always keeps my secrets and I can always trust him not to air our dirty laundry.

The thing is too, women immediately throw out a relationship at the first red flag. All my friends told me to dump him back then. Even though he told me the reasoning behind wanting to keep us a secret, we all did not believe him. We assume these men are lying about their intentions or feelings. I’m fortunate enough to have never dated since him at 16, and I find it scary how untrusting the dating world seems.”

“Our first phone call, he was kinda nasty to his mom while we were talking. I’ve always been taught that a guy will treat you the way he treats his mom.

Turns out that he comes from a really abusive family, and treats me like a queen.

I’ve never felt so loved and respected and absolutely cherished in my life. And we’ve been together for 24 years. This guy is just amazing. I’m so freaking lucky to have this man in my life.”

“He gave me a key to his house on our third date. I thought he might be fucking insane.

Turns out we’re the perfect match and he just knew it a few days before I did.

Oh my god I have SUCH a crush on him, we’re getting married this spring.”

“He had serious difficulties opening up and communicating with me from the start. Even just regular conversation, he is incredibly quiet and shy, especially around new people.

It took a while for him to be comfortable enough to be completely open and fluid and ‘himself’ around me- I’m talking years, not weeks or months. I’m the kind of person who is endeared to that though, and I’ve really enjoyed slowly peeling back the layers over time and finding out who he really is, especially since most of the little revelations were positive ones.

Nowadays when people are like ‘Wow, he doesn’t talk much huh,’ I just laugh because sometimes I can’t get him to shut up.

The second red flag is that because he is so reserved he had an incredibly hard time not being awkwardly silent around my family and friends. They didn’t really take kindly to that and didn’t really like him at first. Like… really didn’t. But nowadays he’s able to get along with them just fine and they pretty much unilaterally adore him.”

“He was quick to anger and speak without thinking. I was very worried, not for as I’ve been in emotionally abusive relationships in the past, but something about him seemed very different from my past relationships.

He’s worked on it significantly, and not because I told him he should, but because he saw the toxic behavior he had and wanted to change it for himself. We hit a bump once, he was quick to snap at me about something small, and we talked through it. We discussed how he can better communicate his frustration without hurting the other person.

I’m proud of his progress, he’s talked about the things that anger him without letting his anger lead the conversation. Neither of us is perfect and we both come from abusive homes, and we both just want to be as mentally healthy as we can, and keep our relationship healthy. He’s my absolute best friend and I wouldn’t trade him for any one else.”

“About 3 months in to dating, he started to act different. Wasn’t as talkative, made some comments that made it seem like things wouldn’t be able to go anywhere with us for a while, and overall just off putting. I was seriously considering ending things because it was looking like we weren’t going to be compatible long term.

Turns out, his known medical issues had caused his sodium levels to drop to a dangerously low level that ended up with him in the hospital for a few days, having a seizure in the hospital once the levels ended up being raised too quickly. He was kind of not all there for about a week or so before feeling so bad one morning that he went to the ER.

I will never forget that phone call from his sister on the way to the hospital, and the days that followed. We’re married now, all the compatibility issues were cleared up at a follow up doctors appointments.”

“He had just gotten out of jail. But jail really turned him around. He got a good job and has been trading up jobs for the last 5 years striving for something better.

He is the sweetest and is really big on teaching our kids consequences. He says he lost 6 months of his life and would never want to do that again.

It was a wake up call that turned him into the amazing father and husband he is today.”

“I didn’t trust that he could possibly be as kind and patient as he appeared to be. I’d never seen that in a guy before – it didn’t seem real and I thought it would wear out eventually and I’d see the cracks start to show.

5 years of knowing him later, and his kindness and patience blows me away every day, not just with me but with everyone else, loved ones and strangers alike.”

“I thought we were moving way too fast and I had this notion in my head that if you move too fast it always ends in a disaster.

Luckily I was wrong and we’ve been tgt for 2 years.”

“He used to surprise me with flowers or having done household chores for me while I was at work. He contacted me all the time and always asked what I was doing.

I was previously with someone super controlling so was very on guard in the early days in case this was him just roping me in. He’s the most loving, loyal and respectful person and I can’t imagine loving or admiring someone as much as I do him.

He’s also so far from controlling that I kinda can’t believe I even thought I saw him in that light back then.”

“Go back 17 years ago, we had a young son. He was my dream child. I lost my focus on my husband and centered entirely on my son. My husband never said much.

I was so tired too. All I wanted to do after working 9-10 hours was sleep. He had a job he hated and works 10 hours a day too.

We forgot to be in love. Period. I nagged a lot and he just ignored me. I caught him telling our problems to a stranger on the Internet. I asked for a divorce. It was around January. I said we would let my son finish the school year and I would leave in June…

Around March we were bored. We wanted to go out to dinner and a movie. I asked my mom to babysit. It was just as friends. I actually took the time to get ready. He did too. We went to dinner and then the movie. By habit, I just grabbed his hand. He never said anything, but just stroked the back of my hand and never let go. We got back into the car. It was late, so we let our son stay overnight.

I don’t know what happened that night, but I felt something I had never felt before. I was holding on to my best friend and I wasn’t going to let go.

We went home and just held each other. Divorce was never mentioned again. In my own head I realized that I had to put him first. He needed me too. I balanced my time and he learned to give me the reassurance that I needed to feel loved…”

“Although divorce was never mentioned our marriage was in a very dark place a few years ago.

…After I had my kids I felt like I lost who I was. I was “mom” and that was it…My husband would stay up late playing computer games. We spent no time together. I nagged him because I felt like I was doing all the work at home…

The tipping point came a few years ago, when my husband went snooping online and found some “anonymous” confessions I had made on Scary Mommy confessions… It was my place to vent about how crappy I felt about motherhood, about myself and about my marriage (and even about both our families).

When my husband saw them he was devastated…He told me how hurt he was and how he didn’t realize that I had been so unhappy.

A very hard discussion followed, with lots of tears on both sides. Once everything was out in the open things got so much better. He made more of an effort to tell me he loved me and that I was beautiful…I also discovered that the reason he doesn’t initiate sex very much is not because he doesn’t want it, but because he never wants me to feel pressured to do it. Our sex life has been amazing since. We also spoke about love languages.

For us, fixing things really boiled down to communication. I think the key to any good marriage is good, open communication and not letting things build up until you’re miserable and full of resentment.”

“I’ve been with my husband for 24 years. He had a massive heart attack in 2007. He was a young man, still and had been very healthy, he was playing basketball when it happened. It rocked our world. He lost his job and we had to move. During recovery he had a lot of feelings stemming from coming so close to death and from losing it all financially.

He cheated. I figured it out, it was awful for a time. There was fighting, anger, and the silent treatment at times. It was hell. I asked for a divorce. But I needed time to earn some money. We had just moved and I had to establish myself in a new market, so we agreed to live together and not tell anyone except a few trusted friends for a year…

In that time some major things happened; my grandmother died, his father got sick and I started taking the kids out on my own every Friday night. I called it pizza night. I wanted to give them something they could rely on in a world that was filled with a lot of things we had no control over…After several months my husband asked if he could come, too. At first I said no. We were at a point where we were getting along fine, but I was still planning a divorce from him and this was my safe space with my kids! I didn’t want him mucking it up with complicated feelings. But in time I allowed him in. He mostly watched us at first, laughing at the kids jokes, playing the games, but holding back. It was easier after a couple of weeks, I think, because he became all in-with them- and with me. When the year that we agreed upon was over, he didn’t want a divorce anymore and asked me to reconsider. I didn’t want a divorce anymore either.

All of the kids are grown now. We kept pizza nights for their whole childhoods- when the kids got busy with sports and social lives, we moved it to Sunday evenings in the house and called it family night. We played games, made crappy art, cooked together and went to movies. It was like glue for our family. We had the last regular family night this summer just before people started back to college…”

“Almost exactly three years ago now, we hit the bottom. After the fact, we both admitted we had wanted a divorce, but neither of us had the courage to ask.

At the time, had been married for 6 years, and had a one year old. For several years, we were in the “dark ages” little to no communication, everything becomes a slight, and just pure misery. We ended up there because our relationship had always been easy – we were good friends for a year before we started dating, dated for a couple of years, then got married. It was always easy for us – no fights, we understood how each other thought, enjoyed the same activities. We were also very codependent and never did anything without the other there, too. When we both started really growing and maturing post college, we outgrew our relationship and we didn’t know each other anymore. We ended up resenting each other a lot and things took a nose dive after our son arrived.

At five months pregnant, I stopped working, and was off work for just shy of a year. When I started working again, it was with “my people” – fellow nerds who were also awkward. It was the first time in years that I’d felt like someone was interested in me and wanted me. This inevitably led to a variation on cheating for me, and the hubs found out. For awhile, neither of us knew where we were headed…

Today (three years later) we are happy and still married. We’ve since become polyamorous, and we are flourishing as a couple, and in most aspects, I am happier with my husband than I’ve ever been, and he’s expressed similar. I want to be clear: the happiness is because of how we communicate now. While polyamory is suiting to me, I don’t need it. I would be just as content monogamous.”

“My bf of 4.5 years said it about a month in. Thing is, he had just broken up with his ex after being with her for 4 years, so I wasn’t sure if I was just a rebound or not. He told me he wanted to say it sooner than that, like as soon as we started going out (like 2 weeks after his breakup). I didn’t say it back for another 2.5 months though, which is fast for me, but by then I just knew.

He also never stopped saying it, so for those 2.5 months there was a lot of ‘I love you’ ‘I know/I like you a lot,’ but it all worked out.

We’re pretty damn sure we’re marrying each other.”

“We met at work. There were a couple girls that were crushing on him, but he didn’t seem to be interested. Two things came of this that were super shady to me:

1. One of the girls that had a crush on him told me (after she realized I liked him too) that he went on dates with her and another girl all the time and they were pretty close “if you know what I mean”…

2. After my first date with him another girl that was into him stormed up to me at work and said “Why are you going on dates with my boyfriend?” At this point I thought he was a straight up player that was dating all the girls at work.

Turns out, he was completely clueless that any of these girls liked him (including me) and had never dated anyone in the past. The girl that said she and another girl went on dates with him all the time had been out with him once in a group setting with a number of people from work.

Been together 11 years (married 3) and these absolutely were not red flags, but are quite the funny memories now.”

“He has two female roommates.

Initially, I was afraid I’d be getting into a weird love triangle situation.

Instead, he just knows women are human beings and can maintain close, long-term, platonic friendships with them…”

“…he was very vague on social media…But he’s just a private individual as well. We had a quiet and small wedding and neither of us posted anything and at first I was thinking he’s hiding me but then I had to remind myself that I also didn’t post and he’s private.

If you’re a part of his life you’ll know what’s going on when it’s relevant. I’ve come to appreciate the privacy, he’s a very genuine person and to him (and me) posting just to post for the world didn’t and doesn’t seem authentic to ourselves.

Now our puppy on the other hand, is about the only thing about our lives we both post because he’s too damn cute not to share with the world!”

“We met when I was…in a bad place. Recovering addict, just got out of an abusive relationship, literally feeling as low as low could be – I was living with my grandparents about an hour from my hometown where I didn’t know anyone, didn’t have a car, was working at a shitty fast food place, I just felt like such a POS…

Once we started talking on our own (mostly texting/phone calls) I flat out told him my situation and was like look, if you wanna talk to me that’s cool but here’s the deal. If you don’t wanna talk to me anymore that’s okay, but I gotta be upfront with you bc I got a lot going on right now.

He knew my grandparents didn’t have internet or much cable and brought me an iPod filled with music I liked/some of his favorites, he’d drive 45 minutes from our hometown to pick me up and take me to dinner and then drop me off and take me home. Once things got a little more serious he’d drive 45 minutes to get me, 45 minutes back to our hometown, and then would drive me 45 minutes back to my grandparents in the morning before he’d take off to drive 30 minutes back towards our hometown for work. Never asked for anything in return…

For a while I thought for sure he was being so nice to me bc he knew I was in a vulnerable state and wanted some sort of rebound hookup (he had also just gotten out of a long relationship) or FWB type situation. Also, I didn’t date the best guys so it was astonishing to me that a guy was being so nice because he genuinely liked me and wanted to…be nice, not because he wanted anything in return.

Almost 10 years later, we moved across the country together, (after knowing each other for barely 6 months) and in the last two years we’ve gotten married, had a kid, and bought a house. He’s definitely a keeper.”

“He actually DOES have crazy ex girlfriends. One of them continued to send him random gifts in the mail, even 2 years into our relationship. They hadn’t dated for like 5 years at that point, and she’d been the one who dumped him. Most of the gifts were weird, random things you might find on Amazon, but one time she sent him $150. We went out to a very nice dinner on that.

He’s very wary of unexpected packages now.”

“He was always wanting to make sure that I was happy even if it meant sacrificing what he wanted.. when picking a movie he would say I don’t care what we watch as long as I’m with you.. 2 months in he told me he loved me…

I started getting nervous because I had heard that that’s how abusers get you.. they make everything great and wonderful in the beginning… turns out 2 years before he met me he had ended a long term relationship with his high school sweetheart and fell into a depression and for 2 years he really didn’t think he would ever find love again…

When he met me and that I actually gave him the time of day (unlike most other girls) he was so happy and thankful… 12 years later and he is my best friend, my soulmate and my absolute favourite person on the planet.. he is the father of our beautiful little boy and I really feel like I won the lottery with him.”

“He told the craziest stories that I assumed were lies, including being robbed at gunpoint twice and almost dying of meningitis.

However, all of his friends and family confirmed every story was true.

I guess some people have very interesting lives.”

“He showed up to the first date in falling-apart sandals, cargo shorts and a shirt that had holes in the neckline. He was completely unprepared in terms of what we were going to do, we ended up driving around for 40 minutes looking for a park to walk in after lunch.

I lied I had to finish an essay and went home with the intention of never seeing him again. He also was too affectionate physically and verbally. Almost seemed creepy/not manly enough.

Now he is an organized, stylish, affectionate husband that I am so lucky to have.”

“That he was a negative Nancy… turns out, it was just stress with his ex and their kid, along with a lifetime of “you won’t believe this shit” kind of things happening to him. A few months with me though, and I can very clearly see he’s not. In fact, he’s ironically gotten pretty fantastic about turning my negative Nancy moments around!

We also fell in love pretty quick. Was kind of a weird situation when we got together so we didn’t use the L word, just told each other ‘I fucking dig you’ for awhile and then “WTF is this?” when we figured it out but still didn’t want to say it.”

“Crying/being ‘too’ emotional. As I’ve grown up, I realize his sensitivity is actually a green flag.

And we’ve been together since before social media was really a thing so it’s never been a red flag for me, but my SO still has zero social media presence and a lot of women think that’s a red flag. It can be, I guess, but some people just don’t do the soc media thing.”

“He would say things that suggested he had no compassion (except for compassion for me, always) and it took me years to realize that he was joking, and that was just his sense of humor.

He says jokes exactly the same way he says things he really believes, and it’s impossible to tell the difference unless you already know what he believes.”